


Bottled Up

by kaeda



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Feelings Realization, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Lack of Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, background beauyasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26028547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeda/pseuds/kaeda
Summary: Fjord's quest to get the Mighty Nein to talk to Caduceus reveals far more than he ever expected. Or, five times Fjord made his friends talk to Caduceus about their feelings (and one time he talked about his own). Spoilers for campaign 2, episode 106!
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 29
Kudos: 156





	Bottled Up

**Author's Note:**

> **Note (11/12/20): this fic was written before Cad was confirmed aro, and I wrote this fic with the headcanon that he was gray ace and reflecting my own gray ace/demi experience. I hope you will still enjoy it even though it's no longer an accurate portrayal of Caduceus's orientation.**
> 
> Fandom’s collective “someone needs to talk to Caduceus!” zeitgeist seems to have awoken something within me, resulting in this ridiculousness.
> 
> This fic was written after episode 106 and takes place approximately in the future after Travelercon. I'm sure it will end up completely jossed in an episode or two, but I hope you enjoy!

Rumblecusp had left a scar on Caduceus’s soul as visible as the bruise across his nose, still healing from one of his unfortunate encounters on that unlucky island. The others didn’t seem to notice either the bruise or the emotional turmoil, all of them focused on building Jester back up after the disaster of Travelercon, but Fjord found it hard to ignore.

Caduceus hurt so quietly. His despair was soft where the others were always so loud. Fjord felt helpless in the face of it. What could _he_ do to reassure the man who had turned into his anchor? All the wisdom he held in his soul had its origins in Caduceus’s soft, rumbling voice, months before.

Then, there were the feelings, the ones he’d refused to name and tried to ignore. The ones that made his palms sweat whenever Caduceus was near, that had sent his heart careening through his ribcage when Caduceus swam away from him down that tunnel towards Vokodo. Fjord found it was becoming more comfortable to keep his space from Caduceus, even as he watched the slightly-lost expression on his face sink deeper and deeper in.

Even the few times he’d tried to initiate conversation, the energy just grew tense and strange very quickly. Caduceus was evasive, giving one word answers and pretending that everything was just fine, and in the end they never got much of anywhere. It was far easier to hover in Jester’s orbit, offering nuggets of support and advice, than to go over and make another attempt to open the can of worms that hovered around Caduceus like a cloud.

They were sailing back to Nicodranas on the Nein Heroz, a subdued affair after Rumblecusp had chewed all of them up and spit them back out. Although Caduceus was the most affected, not one of them had escaped the island unscathed.

Yasha spent a lot of time sparring on deck, staring with desperation at the choppy sea behind them. Beau threw herself into being his first mate and teased and bullied the crew in turns. Veth spent most of her time below deck, avoiding the ocean and sitting with Caleb, who had withdrawn to spend time by himself. Jester was trying to put on a happy face and keep her usual cheer, but it wasn’t quite shining through.

With their entire group going through their own crises, it wasn’t surprised that Caduceus’s well-hidden breakdown was going unnoticed.

Caduceus still acted normal. He cooked for all of them and prepared them tea, offering soft smiles that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He sat with Jester and offered quiet comfort. He occasionally went below deck with Veth and commiserated with her about her dislike of the sea.

Maybe Fjord was the only one familiar enough with the way the laugh lines spread across Caduceus’s face when he truly smiled. Maybe he was the only one who knew how Caduceus’s eyes sparkled when he was feeling particularly mischievous. It was even possible that Fjord was the only one who had noticed when Caduceus had started pranking him before he’d retreated back into his shell – he missed that moment of playfulness desperately. Regardless, the rest of the Nein seemed to take Caduceus’s behavior at face value.

It was getting to a ridiculous point. He _had_ to talk to Caduceus.

Instead, he sparred with Beau. He joked with Veth. He attempted to comfort Jester. He tried to ignore how Caduceus’s hair shined in the sunlight, how the feeling when he looked at Caduceus could only be rivaled by the wide-open yearning of his heart when it glanced out across the Lucidean Ocean.

In the process of feeling awkward around Caduceus, he’d found himself spending more time with Jester, and eventually the topic came up while they were sitting together against the side of the ship, enjoying the sea breeze and taking some needed down time.

Caduceus was sipping a cup of tea on the other side of the deck, his mouth pressed into a tight line with no smile in sight. “Do you think someone should talk to Caduceus?” he asked before he thought about it.

Jester followed his gaze. “Is something wrong with Caduceus?” she asked, blinking in surprise.

The last thing Fjord really wanted to do was admit how closely he watched Caduceus’s every movement. “He struggled a bit on Rumblecusp,” he said instead. “He hasn’t really talked about it.”

“Caduceus is _way_ stronger than Rumblecusp,” Jester said confidently. “It wouldn’t bother him.” She glanced over at Fjord. “Although, maybe he could answer my questions on the Traveler…”

Before he could register what had happened, she was on her feet and making her way over to Caduceus, who had already produced a second teacup from somewhere and was filling it with hot water from his kettle. He greeted Jester with an easy smile (again, not reaching his eyes), and raised his eyebrows when she immediately sat next to him and started bombarding him with questions about faith.

Fjord sat back and pretended to relax against the side of the ship, enjoying the murmur of their conversation even if he couldn’t quite make out the words. He watched as Caduceus slowly grew more animated, as his smiles bloomed wider and his shaking hands stilled. Talking to Jester about something he was so passionate about obviously grounded him, and Fjord was pleased to see the change in him just from feeling helpful. It wasn’t someone talking to Caduceus about whatever was bothering him, but it was a first step, and it gave Fjord an idea.

If things between them were too weird for Fjord himself to get Caduceus to open up, he was just going to have to get the rest of the Nein to do it for him.

* * *

Caduceus and Veth had been spending a lot of time together below decks, a cute friendship beginning to blossom between them, so Fjord decided that she was the logical place to start. This presented a problem, though, because Veth was incapable of having any sort of conversation with Fjord without utterly dragging him.

A day out from Nicodranas, he approached her as she was checking their ammunition supplies and doing inspections of the cannons. “Veth” he said, leaning casually against the hull and fixing her with his most charming grin. If he could use his people skills to manipulate bounty hunters and murderers, surely he could handle one halfling rogue.

Veth glanced up at him. “Captain,” she said, jumping to her feet. “The guns are all ready for action! Should we…prepare to fire?”

Fjord glanced out the porthole at the completely empty sea. “At what?”

“You have to test the guns,” Veth insisted. “What if we get into a fight and they don’t work? I’m sure Caleb could produce some sort of illusion to practice with.”

“I think we’ll be okay until we reach Nicodranas,” Fjord said dryly, not wanting to get into a hypothetical “gun-testing” situation that probably would end with the entire ship blown up. Especially if Jester got involved. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something else.” He tried to keep his tone casual, but Veth’s eyes narrowed.

“I’m _not_ giving it back,” she said.

Fjord didn’t even know _what_ she was referring to. “I don’t—this isn’t—what aren’t you giving back?”

“Oh, this wasn’t about that?” Veth asked, all wide eyed innocence the moment she realized Fjord didn’t know what she was talking about. “Then by all means, Captain. What can I do for you?”

Perhaps starting with Veth had been a mistake. At least she hadn’t outright insulted him yet. “I’ve noticed you’ve been…spending more time with Caduceus lately,” he said.

Veth gave a soft smile, one that Fjord had very rarely seen on her face before and only previously aimed in Caleb’s direction. “Vokodo took his teapot,” she said.

Fjord sighed heavily. “Vokodo took his teapot,” he repeated. “And you got it back for him. Thank you.” He swallowed hard and steeled himself. “Have you talked to him? Is he doing okay?”

Both of Veth’s eyebrows were practically in her hairline. “He’s been mostly talking to me. About Luc and Yeza.” She shrugged. “It’s nice to talk about my family with someone.” Fjord was starting to feel like Caduceus was happy to talk to anyone about anything as long as it didn’t involve _Caduceus himself_ and his own issues.

“What about his family?” Fjord asked. “Can you use your family to get him to talk about his?”

Veth was hardly the most perceptive of the Nein, nor the most sensitive when it came to other people’s feelings. Despite this, she rocked forward on her tiptoes to peer up at him suspiciously. “What is this all about, Fjord?” she asked. “Did you really come down here to tell me to ask Caduceus about his family?”

Fjord backed away from her gaze, suddenly feeling sweat on his brow. “Yes? I have to make sure my crew is okay. That’s a captain’s job!”

“Mmhmm.” Veth narrowed her eyes again.

“Caduceus doesn’t talk to anyone. He keeps his feelings to himself, and eventually he’s going to be overwhelmed and not know where to turn. I want to make sure he knows he can talk to us,” Fjord said, desperately wishing the conversation was over.

“Wouldn’t _you_ be the best person to talk to him about things like that?” Veth asked. “Isn’t that your religion thing? Meditating and talking about feelings?”

“Look,” said Fjord, “sometimes it’s not that easy.” Don’t ask why, he begged her silently. Please, _please_ don’t ask why.

Veth peered at him for one long moment. “I’ll talk to Caduceus,” she said. “But you should probably take your own advice.”

Fjord left the conversation feeling off-balance. He quickly went off to scold Marius about improving his carpentry skills in order to distract himself.

That evening, as they were all preparing to sleep in the captain’s cabin in Caleb’s dome, Veth and Caduceus were missing. Fjord glanced around and then slipped out of the cabin to look for them – ever since the attack from Uk’otoa earlier in their journey, they were careful not to let anyone rest outside their small protected space.

Emerging onto the deck, his ears picked up the soft sounds of murmured conversation coming from the crow’s nest. It was unusual to find Veth choosing to socialize anywhere within sight of the water – that was noticeable enough – but as Fjord made his way towards them, nodding at Orly on watch, their conversation became more intelligible.

“--and would you be upset? If your son ran off with adventurers rather than staying with his family, following his duty?” Caduceus asked in his normal low rumble.

“If my son was doing something he thought was important, and if he was with people he loved…that would be the most important thing,” Veth replied. “Luc probably _will_ run off with adventurers someday. He’s so good with a crossbow!”

“Even if he had a duty at home? If Yeza needed help with the shop?” Caduceus continued. It sounded like Veth had taken Fjord’s suggestion, even though Caduceus had managed to flip the conversation to be about her again. If that was the pretense he needed to process his own feelings, Fjord figured it was better than nothing.

“I didn’t have a child to make him into a person I wanted,” Veth said firmly. Sometimes, Fjord forgot what a mother she was, deep inside. “I had a child to send him out into the world so he could grow into his own person.”

Fjord abruptly felt awkward in his eavesdropping. He crept back out of earshot, returning to the captain’s quarters and trusting that Veth and Caduceus would join them when their conversation was done. Sure enough, about a half hour later, the two of them joined the rest, Veth moving to curl into Caleb’s side.

As Caduceus surveyed the pile of resting Mighty Nein, his eyes caught Fjord’s in the dim light. There was an open space next to Fjord, on the other side of the bed, but Caduceus moved towards a spot on the floor next to Yasha instead.

“Caduceus,” Fjord whispered before he could think better of it.

Caduceus stopped, his ears flicking. He glanced at Fjord with a questioning look, and his eyes widened as Fjord patted the space next to him. “If you want,” he added softly.

The look on Caduceus’s face was indecipherable, like he was feeling a lot of things at once and desperately trying to hide all of them. After a long moment of studying Fjord’s face, he moved to settle next to him.

“Good night,” Caduceus whispered once he was comfortably laid out, still with nearly six inches of space between them.

“Good night,” Fjord murmured back, aware of every last inch of that gap and wishing he was a braver, smarter, better man who was worthy of closing it.

* * *

Nicodranas was the usual hub of activity it always was, and Jester and Veth were delighted to see their families once the Nein returned to solid ground. They decided to stay for a few days before heading back to Rosohna, leaving Fjord with some time to consider the next person who should try to draw out Caduceus.

Even just the conversation with Veth seemed to have put more life into Caduceus’s eyes. He carried himself with a bit more surety than before, and he was starting to smile at everyone again.

Still, there was more to be done. Jester and Veth were paying attention to Caduceus’s moods, but the rest still needed some guidance. Was this what it meant to be a paladin – guiding his friends to meet the needs of a person who wouldn’t ask for anything for himself, especially in a way that didn’t come naturally to any of them?

While Veth and Jester stayed at the Lavish Chateau to spend time with their families, the rest of the group elected to go spend a day at the beach – and Fjord found his next opening.

There was nothing quite like the feel of the surf crashing against his bare feet, the wide expanse of the Lucidean stretching out on either side of him. Fjord took a moment to stand in the water, enjoying the heat of the sun on his face and the grains of sand between his toes. Behind him, he could hear Beau and Caleb ribbing each other, while Yasha occasionally interjected with absolutely withering sarcas. It was a beautiful day, and it was a good day to spend with friends.

Beau crashed by him to dive into the surf, leaving splashes in her wake and shattering Fjord’s reverie. He turned back around to survey the rest of the group. Yasha was spread out on a blanket in the sand, her harp already out and ready to play. Caduceus was seated with her, shielding his eyes from the sun – he still hadn’t replaced his hat – and Fjord resisted the urge to go over there and stand next to him to block the sun. On the other side of Caduceus, Caleb was methodically removing every stitch of clothing, readying for a swim.

Fjord was hardly going to get naked, but swimming sounded like a fantastic idea. He stripped off his shirt and tossed it to the shore before diving into the waves after Beau, who was a sparkling blue speck in the distance. Soon after, Caleb joined him.

For several long moments, the two of them floated together, Caleb on his back staring up at the sky looking as content as possible for him. Fjord treaded water and thought for a moment about what he was going to say – what angle of his ‘talk to Caduceus’ project would appeal to Caleb the most?

“You aren’t wearing your necklace anymore,” Fjord began slowly. Personal growth was a good Caduceus-related topic to broach, right? Caleb froze in the water next to him, his movements far less languid, but Fjord continued before he could react or interrupt. “You know. If you need to talk to someone about that…I think Caduceus would be quite insightful.”

Caleb glanced over at him, his expression difficult to read. “Veth mentioned you are trying to get Caduceus to speak more about _his_ feelings,” he said at last. “Is this a group-wide endeavor?”

Of course Veth had mentioned something to Caleb. Fjord stared up at the sky as he formulated his response. “Caduceus works through his own feelings with the problems of others,” he said at last. “If you listen, he rarely talks about himself, but he uses his counseling of the rest of us to process what he’s mulling over.”

Caleb made a small noise of agreement. “You’re worried he’s holding feelings in.” There was a wry smile on his face – Caleb knew all about holding feelings in.

Fjord laughed self-deprecatingly. “None of us are good at talking about feelings,” he acknowledged. “I’m terrible at it. Caduceus is the only one who has any wisdom about these things.”

They floated together in silence for a heartbeat.

“You know,” said Caleb, “I think if you were to speak to Caduceus about feelings, he would talk to you.”

Fjord was wondering if he was going to have this conversation with every one of them. “He needs more of a support network than just me,” he replied honestly.

Caleb ducked under the water and emerged again, his hair plastered to his forehead in dark red streaks. “I’ll talk to him,” he said, glancing back to shore where Yasha and Caduceus were sitting on the blanket, enjoying each other’s quiet company.

“Thanks. I think it could be helpful for you, too,” Fjord added, not wanting to make it look like he was just trying to help everyone else build connections for Caduceus for his own selfish ends.

Their conversation came to an abrupt end as Beau swam over and jumped on Caleb, pulling him under the water and starting a wrestling match that Caleb had no hope of winning. Fjord took the opportunity presented and swam back into shore. He came to a rest in the shallows, watching the way the sunlight played on Caduceus’s hair as he listened to Yasha’s soft harp playing, leaning back on his elbows with his eyes closed. The sight of him like that, worry lines smoothed out and a peaceful smile on his face, made Fjord’s heart ache.

 _Oh_.

He was _in love_ with Caduceus.

He sat with the thought for a moment, grounding himself in the present. He was on the beach. There was sand beneath his fingers, wind in his hair. The sun was burning a strip of his nose (which he was studiously ignoring). And his heart was pounding because he was stupidly, ridiculously, head-over-heels, ass-over-teakettle in love with Caduceus Clay.

Yasha’s harp played a particularly resounding chord and Caduceus’s eyes cracked open, meeting Fjord’s gaze. The two of them stared at each other, Fjord feeling utterly transparent. He could feel his cheeks heating in a way that had nothing to do with the sun.

He dragged his own eyes away, and Caduceus went back to watching Yasha. Fjord swallowed hard, filled with an absurd, manic sort of energy, and quickly turned back to the ocean and dove in, swimming out as far as he could.

He was in love with _Caduceus_. It explained everything – especially the weird energy that had somehow cropped up between them sometime on Rumblecusp. It was terrifying. Caduceus was devastatingly insightful, absolutely hilarious, and terrifyingly earnest. His features, always an alien sort of handsome, had gained that dearness that came with close companionship, and Fjord found himself wanting to run his fingers through Caduceus’s long hair, press kisses into his ears to see if they’d twitch, fold himself into that long body in a comforting hug.

Finally, the nervous energy that had surged through him faded, leaving him treading water a decent distance out from shore. He turned back to glance at the rest, shading his eyes from the sun. Caduceus and Yasha were still sitting on shore, and Caleb had joined them. Beau was still in the water, splashing happily near the shore. Fjord loved all of them, true, but the feelings in his heart for Caduceus were completely different from the rest, even Jester.

This was something completely new, and he was _terrified_.

* * *

After dinner that evening, Caleb led Caduceus off on a walk, and Fjord smiled happily to himself. Three members of the Nein down, two to go.

It was their first night in an inn in a long time, and Caduceus and Fjord had gone back to rooming together automatically, even with the weird tension between them. Fjord headed back to their room, tired after a long day of being in the sun and the emotional revelations that had come with it. Time alone away from Caduceus was exactly what he needed to get his thoughts in order.

He flopped dramatically down on his back on the twin bed he had claimed for himself, groaning out loud and staring despairingly at the ceiling.

So he was in love with Caduceus.

Fjord had been in love before, in his youth. He’d even had feelings for a man before, although it was long in his past. Something about this felt different – he was close to Caduceus, closer than he’d ever been with any of the others. Caduceus was one of his touchstones, the person who had helped him realize he could be more than his past had made him. The stakes for this were alarmingly high.

Was _that_ why things had gotten weird between them? Had Caduceus realized Fjord’s feelings for him? Fjord wouldn’t have put it past Caduceus to have understood the depth of Fjord’s feelings before Fjord himself. Maybe his panic at Caduceus being drawn down the tunnel to Vokodo had been more obvious than he’d realized. There were countless times when Fjord may have given himself away, both on Rumblecusp and before.

And Caduceus wasn’t the type to discourage feelings or turn someone flatly down. It would be just like him to politely put distance between them, hoping Fjord’s feelings would run their course.

Well, Fjord certainly wasn’t going to force Caduceus to deal with his unrequited feelings – he could keep them to himself, and maybe he could prove to Caduceus that he wasn’t going to push him. He continued to stare despairingly at the ceiling, his heart aching.

The doorknob turned, and Caduceus let himself into the room, a small smile on his face. Clearly, the walk with Caleb had gone well. Fjord propped himself up on his elbows and greeted him, trying to pretend he’d been behaving in a completely normal fashion.

“You look happy,” Fjord observed.

Caduceus glanced at him, startled. “Oh! I am, I guess.” He moved to the other bed and sat down to remove his boots, not quite meeting Fjord’s eyes.

“Did you have a nice walk with Caleb?” Fjord asked.

Caduceus studied his other boot as he removed it. “I did. I didn’t realize how much he felt affected by the mind-altering effects of Rumblecusp.” He took a moment to stand and place his boots by the door. “I’m glad our friends feel like they can come to me with these things.”

“Me too,” said Fjord with a smile. Despite the heavy revelations he’d had, he was pleased that Caduceus seemed to be perking up.

As Caduceus puttered around preparing for sleep, Fjord tried to avoid watching him or making him uncomfortable. Unfortunately, their conversation slowly faded out and was left with an oppressive, awkward silence, one he wanted to break but didn’t quite know how.

“Well, I’m going to get some sleep,” Caduceus rumbled at last, preparing to curl his large frame onto his much-smaller bed.

“Good night,” said Fjord, feeling completely inadequate for the second night in a row.

He sat up long after Caduceus dispelled the magical lighting and cast their room into darkness, desperately wishing he had never realized the depth of his feelings.

The next morning, Fjord woke with a heavy heart. He had slept poorly, rising before Caduceus and slipping out of their room before he had to deal with more awkward silence. Beau was waiting for him outside the Lavish Chateau, bouncing from one foot to the other with way too much energy considering how early it was.

“I hope you’re ready for a workout,” she said without preamble. “We’re running today.”

“Not _running_ ,” Fjord said mournfully. “Really?”

“We’ve been cooped up on a tiny ship for too long. You’ll get out of shape if we don’t.”

Fjord made a face at her, which Beau effectively ignored by taking off into the quiet early-morning streets of Nicodranas. Fjord sighed, gathered himself, and followed her, lagging behind as they jogged through the waking city. It was nice to be back on the Menagerie Coast, and the physicality of exercise helped clear his whirling mind. The scent of the sea and early-morning bakeries filled the air, the sun was bright and clear, and a couple shopkeepers waved greetings to them as they ran past. It was nice.

As Fjord ran, he pondered the matter of what angle to take with Beau to get her to speak to Caduceus, but eventually concluded that could wait until he was able to breathe again.

Finally, Fjord arrived back at the Lavish Chateau to see Beau doing pushups outside, barely winded. He skidded to a stop next to her, resting his hands on his knees and gasping breaths of pure, glorious air.

Beau did a one-handed push-up and looked at him skeptically. “We’ve got to get you back into shape,” she said.

“Was I ever,” Fjord gasped out, taking a moment to breathe again before he continued speaking, “actually _in_ shape?”

Beau laughed. “Maybe not. C’mon, let’s spar.”

He held up one finger to ask for a minute, and she shrugged and went back to push-ups while Fjord caught his breath and spent some time stretching his poor, sore muscles. When he was finally recovered from his run, Beau had already produced two wooden staffs from somewhere, and he followed her into a small courtyard she had found behind the Lavish Chateau.

She tossed him a staff. “Fight me.”

Fjord moved delicately into her range and swung at her, watching her swiftly parry and jump out of his way. Sometimes he wondered why he even tried – _monks_.

As they sparred, Fjord finally found his opening to have the Caduceus-related discussion he sought. “I wanted to talk to you about something,” he said. “Do you think Caduceus is doing okay?”

“He seems fine to me,” said Beau, doing a backflip (show-off) to get out of Fjord’s melee range. “Why?”

“I think he feels left out of our group discussions a lot,” said Fjord, swinging his staff towards her again. Beau went into a crouch and kicked Fjord’s feet out from under him, leaving him on his back in the dirt, wind knocked out of him. “ _Ow_.”

She crouched beside him. “Sorry,” she said, wiping her brow and offering him a hand up, which he gladly took. As she pulled him to her feet, she added, “Caduceus is different than the rest of us. Do you really think he feels left out?”

“I don’t know,” Fjord said with a shrug, feeling kind of foolish. But he was committed to this course of action now, wasn’t he? The subject had already been broached. “He had a rough time on Rumblecusp, and it was right after finding his family. I just want to make sure he knows _we’re_ also his family and he’s not obligated to stay with us.”

Beau frowned at him. “Fjord. What is this about?”

“I’m worried about a friend,” he said, not meeting her eyes.

“Have _you_ talked to him?” she asked.

“Yes,” Fjord lied.

“Then why do I have to do anything about this?”

“You two must have _something_ in common that you can bring up. It’ll help him open up.” He winced. “Please?”

Beau regarded him thoughtfully for a moment. “Oh, I’ll talk to him,” she said, suddenly swinging towards him with her staff again. “Don’t you worry about that.”

Fjord found himself on the defensive, suddenly parrying her strikes, and too winded to continue the conversation further. Having received the answer he sought, that was perfectly fine with him.

* * *

Caduceus had awoken and left to join the others sometime while Fjord was out with Beau, so Fjord took the opportunity to wash up after his workout and have a long, leisurely lunch with the rest of the Nein before returning to the empty room. Was it possible Melora would have something to say about his feelings for Caduceus? Could he ask her for her blessing, or maybe just if she minded?

He didn’t have the ability to Commune like Caduceus did, but he sat on his small, uncomfortable bed anyway, trying to tap into the feeling of the Wildmother around him. Afternoon sun shined through the open window, carrying in a cool sea breeze, and Fjord breathed in the familiar scent of salt in the air and tried to center himself. He was still pretty inept at this religion stuff.

A few minutes into his attempt at meditation, the sound of voices wafted up through the open window. Familiar voices.

“Girls are just so hot, you know?” Beau said, her voice loud and echoing as usual. Fjord groaned – _what_ was he overhearing? He crept to the window, realizing for the first time that it was over the same courtyard that he and Beau had sparred in that morning. Beau was out there now, sitting with – Caduceus?!

“I wouldn’t know,” Caduceus rumbled, “but I’m very happy for you and Yasha.”

Beau shook her head abruptly. “Oh, we’re not – I mean – I actually – it’s complicated.”

Caduceus laid a hand on her shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Fjord was starting to feel creepy for eavesdropping. He considered closing the window, but the room was several floors up and quite warm – the breeze was the only thing making it habitable. He sighed and returned to the bed to try meditating some more. He’d just tune them out. He didn’t really care about Beau’s love life anyway – and to be honest, that hadn’t been what he’d meant when he’d said, ‘talk to him’.

“Look, here’s the thing,” Beau said, her voice still carrying on the wind. “You can’t tell anyone this, but. I feel like you’ll understand.” There was a pause, as though she was looking around, then she continued in a softer tone. Unfortunately for Fjord, it was still intelligible. “I was—I _am—_ into Jester. I mean, I like Yasha too. They’re both wonderful. And Jester’s not going to ever feel that way about me.”

“I know how you feel,” Caduceus said.

Fjord blinked.

“Yeah, I bet you do, buddy,” Beau said, along with a sound that Fjord interpreted to be her smacking Caduceus on the back, probably far too hard. “Chin up. When Jester and Fjord get married, we can get roaring drunk, pretend they never broke our hearts, and dance with our hot significant others who aren’t them. What kind of men do you like, anyway? Muscle-y ones?”

 _What_.

“Is it that obvious?” Caduceus asked, his voice forlorn.

“Well Fjord’s clueless, so probably not,” Beau said, which – _hey_. “I just see it because I’ve been in your shoes, you know? It sucks. But Jester and Fjord are our friends, so we’ll support them in all their choices.” She sounded resigned.

“I’m glad you have Yasha,” Caduceus said, almost too softly for Fjord to pick up.

There was no way he’d heard correctly. All thoughts of meditation forgotten, Fjord crept off the bed and wandered over to the window again, peering out as best he could without standing directly in plain sight. Caduceus and Beau were still sitting on one of the benches, oblivious to his presence. He should leave the room, right then, before he overheard anything else…

“And _you_ are great, and handsome – for a guy,” Beau said. “What do you think of Essek? I don’t think Caleb’s going to ever do anything about that.”

Fjord froze with his hands against the window, in the process of closing it.

“Essek’s…not really what I’m looking for,” Caduceus said delicately.

“Yeah, a little too much war criminal and not enough muscles. Hmm. Remember that blacksmith in Rosohna? We could find out if he’s into dudes.”

“Beau,” Caduceus said with a strained voice. “I know you’re trying to help. I really appreciate it. But.” He trailed off, his eyes suddenly darting up to the open window.

He and Fjord stared at each other, both wide-eyed and terrified.

“I’ve got to go,” Caduceus said abruptly, standing up. Beau made some attempts to get him to stay, but Caduceus quickly used his long gait to hoof it around the side of the building, headed for the street.

Fjord jumped into motion before he could think, heading for the door. He took the stairs two at a time, not sure exactly where he was going but knowing he had to catch Caduceus, to talk to him, to figure out _what_ was going on before everything was ruined beyond repair.

He burst out into the street, filled with tourists and street vendors, and spotted a familiar pink silhouette a block away, walking quickly away from the Lavish Chateau. Even though his whole body ached from running that morning, Fjord threw himself into motion and began to jog after him. “Caduceus!” he gasped when he thought he was finally in earshot.

Caduceus froze in the middle of the street, slowly turning to face Fjord. His usually placid face looked like he was about to attend his own funeral.

Fjord finally caught up to him and panted a bit as he skidded to a halt. “Caduceus. Wait.”

“Why are you telling everyone to speak with me, Fjord?” Caduceus demanded, surprisingly straightforward and with none of his usual diplomacy. He was clearly rattled. “What are you doing?”

The courtyard. The open window. Caduceus had heard _him_ talking to Beau that morning. “I’m worried about you,” Fjord said defensively.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Caduceus said in a way that made it very clear that he was not at all fine. “Why couldn’t you have just talked to me yourself?”

“Because things have been awkward between us, and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable!” Fjord told him, starting to realize they were gathering an audience. He lowered his voice, trying to sound less rattled himself. “Why don’t we get some tea and talk about this.” He scanned the shops lining the street and lighted on a small café on the corner. “My treat?”

Caduceus breathed in sharply, like he was about to refuse. Then, his shoulders slumped. The unfamiliar fire that had lain just below the surface vanished once more. “Okay,” he said, sounding almost…resigned. “Let’s get tea.”

As they walked towards the café, Fjord rewound the last few minutes in his head, trying to figure out what he was going to say. Caduceus had been talking to Beau about men. Beau had mentioned _him_ , marrying _Jester_ , in a way that implied it would break Caduceus’s heart. Caduceus had said ‘I know how you feel’.

Fjord was an idiot.

They sat at an empty table with a view of the harbor, the sunlight sparkling off the sea below them. Caduceus spent several minutes conversing with their server, a young gnome, discussing their various tea options before he selected one. She nodded and vanished, leaving the two of them staring at each other.

“So,” Fjord began. “I swear I wasn’t trying to overhear anything sensitive. I just—"

“We don’t have to have this conversation,” Caduceus said desperately, his eyes a bit wild. “I understand. I’m not going to do anything to make you uncomfortable. I have no intention of pursuing anything. You’re my friend, and that’s the most important thing to me.”

Fjord buried his head in his hands and made a pained noise. “We are such _idiots_.”

Caduceus stopped talking. Fjord glanced up to see him gaping at him. “What?” Caduceus asked at last.

Fjord could not have this conversation while looking at him. He turned his face back into the sanctuary of his arms once more. “I thought you were uncomfortable because you could tell how I felt about _you_ ,” he muttered to the table.

“What.” Caduceus said again. “You. What?!”

Someone cleared their throat from right behind Fjord. Their server placed a teapot and two cups on the table and hurried away, clearly sensing the weird energy and not wanting to be anywhere near it. From the sound of it, Caduceus began to pour the tea into a cup.

Fjord finally gathered enough courage to pull his head back up and look Caduceus squarely in the eye. “I’m not going to marry Jester,” he said.

“Oh,” said Caduceus faintly. The tips of his ears and the bridge of his nose had turned slightly pink; it was absolutely charming. He set a full teacup in front of Fjord, looking up at him through those long lashes. “I, uh. I’m sorry?”

“I’m not,” said Fjord. The words were sticking in his throat. How did people _talk_ about stuff like this?

It seemed easier to reach across the table and take Caduceus’s hand, so he did just that. It was warm and soft under his fingertips. Caduceus squeaked slightly and spilled the tea he was pouring into his own teacup with his other hand.

“I suspect we’ve both been thinking our feelings were unrequited,” Fjord continued, mostly because Caduceus looked like he had been smacked with some sort of pole. He ran his finger across Caduceus’s knuckles, enjoying the feel of it and the way it made Caduceus shiver. “I, uh. Think you should know that they’re not.”

Caduceus laughed, a wonderous sound. “Yes, I’m getting that impression,” he said at last, finally turning his palm over and lacing their fingers together. He was staring at their joint hands with astonishment, completely ignoring the tea he’d spilled. “Is _this_ why you tried to get everyone else to talk to me?”

Fjord felt his cheeks heat. “Was it so obvious what I was doing?”

Caduceus smiled at him, a smile that definitely reached his eyes this time. “To someone who knows what to look for,” he said. “Also, having everyone approach me to try to talk about my feelings came out of nowhere.”

So Fjord wasn’t the smoothest of operators. It was hard to feel self-conscious about that when Caduceus beamed at him like that.

“I know we all don’t have the same communication style,” Fjord mused, trying to choose his words thoughtfully, “but every single one of us cares about you. I wanted to make sure you knew that. Especially after Rumblecusp.”

“I know you all care about me,” said Caduceus. The red in his cheeks was growing deeper. Fjord wanted to lean over the table and kiss him desperately. Instead, he took his teacup in his free hand and sipped from it.

The tea was scalding, of course. Fjord swore, his eyes watering as he quickly put the teacup back down. Caduceus made concerned noises, but it was clear from the sparkle that had returned to his eyes that he was trying desperately not to laugh at him. For the first time since that cursed island, everything between them felt normal again.

Caduceus suddenly froze, his eyes wide. “Oh no,” he said. “I left Beau alone without helping her with her love triangle.”

Fjord thought it was a miracle that Beau also hadn’t tried to follow Caduceus, but didn’t say anything – he had a sinking feeling if he glanced around, he might spot a familiar figure in blue lurking somewhere off to the side, making sure that Caduceus didn’t get his heart broken. “I think Beau will be fine,” he said instead. “Yasha or Jester…or maybe both of them?...will be there for her. Stranger things have happened.”

Caduceus smiled at him once more, then glanced wonderingly at their joined hands. “Stranger things have happened,” he echoed.

Fjord could hold back no longer. He extracted his hand, leaned over to cup Caduceus’s face gently, and pressed his mouth to Caduceus’s own.

* * *

They returned to the Lavish Chateau hand in hand, exchanging shy glances and soft smiles. Fjord’s happiness was as wide as the sea. They’d had tea, exchanged more kisses, and walked to the ocean. Fjord had even gotten Caduceus to talk – very briefly – about his family and his struggles with his own sense of duty. As they returned early in the evening, Jester emerged with a bright grin on her face, waving at both of them and apparently nonplussed to see them holding hands.

“Fjord! Caduceus! My mama is going to be performing tonight, and she invited all of us to watch!”

Fjord and Caduceus exchanged grins before following her inside to join the others.

With a tumbler of whiskey in front of him and the Ruby of the Sea’s beautiful voice echoing in his ears, Fjord sat at the table with the rest of the Mighty Nein and pondered their final member. Yasha was sitting a bit apart from the others, listening to the music with a soft expression on her face, nursing a glass of wine and occasionally glancing at Beau, enraptured by the Ruby and not paying any attention.

Fjord released Caduceus’s hand and sidled over to her with a smile. “Yasha,” he said.

“Fjord,” she greeted him, a much smaller smile on her own face. “Congratulations.” She nodded in Caduceus’s direction. “I didn’t realize you felt the same as he did. I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Fjord acknowledged, not even trying to hide his happiness.

Yasha’s capacity for small talk clearly exhausted, she glanced back into her wine glass with a soft, wistful smile.

“You know, you should try talking to him sometime about your feelings for Beau,” Fjord added, swirling his whiskey glass and watching the dark liquid whirlpool. “He might have some insight.”

“Caduceus always has insight,” Yasha murmured. “That’s the problem. Sometimes I’m afraid to find out what he thinks.” Fjord could commiserate. Caduceus’s mind was vast and clever, and Fjord didn’t always want to know what he was picking up on.

“We all care about you,” he continued. “Caduceus likes to help.” He licked his lips and felt a blush on his face. “And he understands a bit more about romance, now, I think.” His eyes inadvertently met Caduceus’s in the soft candlelight and his heart skipped a beat as Caduceus gifted him with a sweet, happy smile.

He turned back to Yasha, who was watching him with a knowing look. “Maybe you’re right,” she said. “Maybe I should talk to Caduceus.”

“You’d be doing him a favor,” Fjord said.

  
“Well then,” she said, finishing her glass of wine with one gulp and setting her glass on the table with a surprising gentleness. “I’d better go talk to him.”

She gave him a soft smile before making her way over to the other side of the table, approaching the spot where Caduceus was still sneaking glances back at Fjord. A moment later, the two of them headed to the space in the room that had been cleared for dancing at Jester’s insistence.

  
Fjord returned to the table and watched Caduceus and Yasha dance together, chatting somewhat awkwardly but clearly in good spirits. As there was a change in songs, anidea struck him. He glanced at Beau seated next to him.

“Want to dance?” he asked.

She eyed him suspiciously. “ _Really_.”

“Yes or no?” Man, he was trying to do her a favor here.

Beau tossed back her entire ale before grinning at him. “Sure. Let’s dance.” She marched over to the dance floor, Fjord trailing her. Although Marion’s current song was slow and soft, Beau immediately took the opportunity to spin and dip him, a troublemaking grin on his face.

“You’re a rough dance partner,” Fjord said, stumbling back up a bit dizzily.

“You were the one who asked me.” Beau seemed delighted to be able to manhandle him, so Fjord allowed it for another minute before he finally put his plan into action. As they spun close to Caduceus and Yasha, he abruptly changed direction and tugged Beau over.

“Do you mind if we cut in?” he asked with his most charming smile.

Caduceus grinned at him, his eyes bright from dancing. Yasha glanced between Fjord and Beau with a slightly horrified expression. Beau mirrored her stunned look, staring at Yasha somewhat in wonder.

“I guess,” Yasha said, releasing Caduceus and turning towards Beau. She held out one hand. “Would you like to dance?”

Beau, speechless, nodded and took her hand, letting Yasha lead her off. Fjord was amused to notice that there was no horseplay once Beau had a partner she was actually interested in.

Fjord glanced over at Caduceus, also watching Beau and Yasha slowly sway together. “Shall we?” he asked, holding out a hand in similar fashion.

Caduceus gave him the softest look he’d received yet that day, sleepy and content, and took Fjord’s hand in his own. “Let’s dance,” he murmured and swept Fjord away.

Caduceus was so much taller that he had to bend far over to hold Fjord against him, but from the smile in his eyes, he didn’t seem to mind. “Did you have a productive talk?” Fjord asked, wishing he was taller so he could touch his forehead to Caduceus’s.

“I think so,” Caduceus said. “Are you going to keep forcing our friends to talk to me about feelings?” Despite the wry question, Fjord could hear the amusement in his voice.

“Absolutely,” said Fjord. “You’re important to us, and I’m going to make them show you that forever, even if they sometimes get wrapped up in their own problems.” He held Caduceus’s gaze for a long moment. “You’re important,” he repeated. “Especially to me.”

Caduceus still looked like he couldn’t believe his luck. “You’re important to me, too,” he said, closing his eyes wistfully, and Fjord really couldn’t do anything else except wrap his arms around his neck and pull him down into a soft kiss.

He ignored the wolf-whistling coming from Jester – he and Caduceus were going to have to get used to the teasing from the rest of the Nein if they were going to make this work – and focused on kissing Caduceus within an inch of his life, slowly pulling away from him and grinning at the hazy, flushed expression on his face.

“That’s nice,” Caduceus said dizzily.

“You’re nice,” Fjord countered, leaning his head against his chest and feeling Caduceus’s heart beat comfortingly beneath him.

The two of them remained in each other’s orbit for the rest of the evening, watching Beau and Yasha dance together awkwardly and then make eyes at each other for the rest of the night. Their other friends did some dancing as well, Jester even dragging Beau out for another awkward dance number.

Fjord closed his eyes and leaned his face into the crook of Caduceus’s neck during another slow number, enjoying being close to him. Things had been bad after Rumblecusp, but here, surrounded by his friends, and with Caduceus understanding what he meant to all of them, everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Join me on [tumblr](https://the-kaedageist.tumblr.com/) for more Critical Role and Fjorclay!


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